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Unintentional Trauma

As parents, we have all made mistakes. Ask anyone and they’ll tell you how they were hurt by their parents, in some form or another. Most parents have no intention to hurt or harm their child, but as humans, we make mistakes. We hurt people unintentionally, especially in a situation like parenting, where sometimes life gets the best of you. We lose our temper, we say things we didn’t mean. We try to be “perfect parents”, but often fall short.

Learning that it’s ok to be human and make mistakes has helped me get through the guilt of poor parenting. I was a young mother, and I often say that I wish I could take the same 3 humans and have them at 30. But I can’t.

I grew up not realizing my parents were people too. Just humans, eternal souls on a human experience. Here to make mistakes and learn. My parents didn’t let me see anything. No affection, no fighting, just a perfect household. But the energy was still there. Pretend all you want, kids feel it. And there are consequences.

In my experience with my boys, I allowed them to know that I was a person, with feelings. And a person who made mistakes. I discussed with them, without putting them in the middle, the mistakes I have made. First, choosing the wrong partner to have children with. I cannot change this, but it has been one of my biggest regrets. Not forgiving myself for this mistake has caused me a lot of turmoil. It’s very difficult to see the pain this has caused my children.

With all of the good intentions by parents, there is still damage that adult children need to deal with. I used to say that my house was like “the Cleavers” (1957-1963 TV show-“Leave it to Beaver”-for those who don’t know). I didn’t think my parents would get divorced like all the other parents around us. But then one day, I got a sit down. My parents were getting divorced, without a real explanation.

I won’t go too far into this, it will be a chapter in my book. What I will say is this: I didn’t think I had any damage from childhood, until I was in my early 40’s. After working with a trauma therapist, I learned that this “unintentional trauma” led to my very bad choices in partners.

Until I took the time to heal (which is an ongoing journey) I was unable to allow true unconditional love into my life. Into my matrix. Due to my inability to forgive myself, I was unable to forgive those who hurt me and have compassion for them. Once I understood that we are ALL eternal beings on a Human Journey, not a body with a soul, but a soul with a body, here to learn, make mistakes and grow. This concept helped me to realize that no one is perfect, despite how they may present themselves. We all hurt people. We all disappoint people and we all let people down. That’s why we are here. And learning to accept this and our personal flaws, to forgive ourselves so we may forgive others will be a key to truly healing and finding that true unconditional self love that is so important on this journey.



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