Being a survivor of a long term verbally abusive relationship, I’m very well aware of the damage that can be caused by even a short term verbally abusive relationship. It has become my passion to create awareness around verbal abuse, what it looks like, red flags, ways to cope once out of the relationship and hopefully someday heal. Also to teach women self love and how crucial it is to our survival. I would like to clarify, I’m aware that women who are physically and sexually abused are also verbally, emotionally and mentally abused. However, women who get the ‘shit beat out of them’ know they’re getting the ‘shit beat out of them’. In my experience, women who are verbally abused don’t always realize it until it’s too late. They get manipulated and gaslighted without even realizing what’s happening. Verbal abuse is all too often not taken seriously. And many women suffer years of trauma without truly understanding what happened in the first place.
On a different note, I also have a passion for understanding men, the relationship between men and women, and how we as women create some of our own misery around the men in our lives. This is not limited to our partners. It includes fathers, sons or any male figures in our space, including bosses.
I heard the term “frog farmer” in a book I read called The Queens Code by Alison A. Armstrong. (Which is a follow up from another of her books called Keys to the Kingdom-this book changed my perspective on men and changed my life) The term “frog farmer” basically refers to the women who get a ‘prince’ and turn them into a ‘frog’. Out of their own pain, they are unable to allow men to care for them. To build their own ego, they emasculate the men in their lives, which doesn’t really solve their problem. It only creates a downward spiral of more pain and suffering.
I have found myself, after many years dealing one on one with women across the nail table, being aware of how our behavior, as women, sometimes creates our situation.
I would like to first clarify, I am well aware of the difference between verbal abuse, and miscommunication between women and men. And over the years found myself, more often than not, taking the mans side.
My personal opinion is that women have become out of balance with their masculine and feminine energies, energies we all have within us. We each have both, and understanding how that works can be very important in any and all of our relationships. Of course men can be out of balance as well, but we are here to discuss the divine feminine, so this will be my focus.
I see a lot of issues in our society that have stemmed from WWII up to and beyond the women’s liberation movement in the 1970’s. This of course, is all my perception and opinion. I suppose that’s the point of all of this.
History teaches us that during WWII women had to go to work, mainly to build the equipment the men needed for war. During that time women learned quickly they didn’t need men like they used to. Unfortunately women, at a certain time period (many years prior to this*) started to become controlled by a male dominated society. Many thousands of years prior to all of this, as in the Oracle of Delphi and other similar situations, women were honored and treated as goddesses. They were able to intuitively (and most likely with plant medicine) receive information from the Divine to assist in major decisions in their culture. Men, priests and even world leaders came to them for guidance from the other side.
At some point in this period of history, men determined they didn’t want to give that power to women. Egos got in the way and consequentially they began to disarm women of their gifts, including punishment by death.
Over the last several decades, I believe women have been fighting back, trying to prove that they can do anything a man can do and more. (Which I don’t doubt to be true) We have joined the work force, and taken many jobs from men, with lesser pay of course, but we don’t need to get into that. I’m not saying women shouldn’t work, nor am I saying they aren’t capable. But what I see is an imbalance in the masculine energy of women. Women are fully capable of doing what men do, but why? Do a lot of us have to work? Maybe, maybe not. Living within our means has become a lost art in our society. Though I do see it making a comeback.
I was blessed to have a job with a very flexible schedule during the time period I was raising my children. My abusive husband wanted me to give up all I had worked so hard for, and I refused. I was well aware of the control he was trying to keep me under. If I had given up a clientele I worked so hard for and took years to build and maintain, to stay home and raise our children, I would have been completely lost and absorbed into his control. I was already lost and floundering to keep my head above water, and be the best mother I could be. For the record, I would have loved to be able to stay home with my boys, under healthier circumstances.
I believe my perspective, because of my situation, is unique. My clear understanding of what abuse looks like, as compared to women being imbalanced in their masculine energy are two very different situations.
As women, we have become very lost, and as a result the men in our lives have become lost as well. I believe this is mainly due to the imbalance of masculine and feminine energies within all of us. We, as women, need to understand how important our feminine energy is to, not only the men in our lives, but to the world. Losing, or misplacing, our divine feminine has created a topsy turvy world. As women, we have forgotten our importance as the feminine half of the world. We have fought so hard to prove our value and equality to men, that I believe we have forgotten how important being a woman, a wife and mother truly are. I’m not saying women should be home barefoot and pregnant. What I am saying is, we have such divinity in our feminine energy and our society has become lost without this feminine energy. Our children aren’t receiving the care and nourishment they require. Our men are lost in their innate roles as providers and protectors. As women, do we need men? Not necessarily. We need them for a few things. But generally we can do most things for ourselves. However, therein lies the issue. Are we allowing? Are we pushing forward so hard that we are forgetting our role as a divine feminine? They say “chivalry is dead'', but is it? When was the last time you allowed a man to provide and protect you? Allow him to simply open a car door for you and just say thank you?
We have the power to embrace our divine femininity and use it for its greatest good. We can use this divine power to lift the entire energy of this universe. How? By allowing it. By allowing it to be a part of us and be proud of who we are. We are women! We are the Divine Feminine half of the universe! We are the feminine energy our masculine counter parts so desire! And require!
Divine feminine isn’t about being male or female. We all have divine masculine and divine feminine parts, irrelivent to our sexual orientation. We also have not so divine masculine and feminine parts. We find this when we are not honoring ourselves. When we are out of balance, or when we just plain don’t love ourselves like we are intended. Like we deserve.
There has always been a large part of me that knew I was meant to help others. There are so many of us now coming out of the woodwork, it seems, that want to help others. We are light-workers. We are being divinely guided to find ways to help others, and more recently we are being drawn to each other. Many of us have spent the last several years working on healing our own wounds. I hear this story over and over lately. Our divine feminine has been awakening, and it has gotten more and more crucial that we come together to help each other to heal, so that we are in a better position to help others along their journeys.
Two years ago I was inspired to create a program. A program that included all of these wonderful tools that have helped me along my journey. I have found so many wonderful people on this healing journey, and learned so many tools and techniques that helped me to heal my trauma. Am I completely healed? No. This is a lifelong journey for me. But I have come to a place where I am able to teach and inspire others with what I have learned.
The most important part of my journey was the period when I finally allowed myself to love me. I spent most of my life worried about how everyone else felt, continuously pushing my feelings down. Building resentment, settling for men who couldn’t open their hearts to me. Convincing myself that I was too old to start over. Until I finally had enough! I was tired of being put last and being expected to fit everyone else’s mold. So I made the choice to stop. And I was determined that I was done with relationships, after two failed marriages and two failed long term relationships. I was done. I took time to heal, and I took time to love myself. I finally came to the realization that I needed to put myself first. And I needed to ALLOW myself to love me. I needed to heal my heart chakra, and allow love into my matrix. And after being in the most recent two relationships and learning that these two men, both over forty, one close to fifty, that had their hearts completely shut down, I had finally figured out why! I’ll never forget the day I realized that they had each deactivated their hearts, and frankly so had I. As middle aged adults, we come to a point, after having so many failed relationships, that we shut down. We close off our hearts to love and we do everything to protect ourselves from the pain of love. Something I realized very recently is that there is a difference between a man who is abusive (which can be coming from a place of trauma) and a man who is fighting for his masculinity. As I spoke of earlier in the chapter, women, coming from a place of trauma- or a wounded feminine energy, will unintentionally create a volatile situation with the men in her life. As abused women, we also shut down. We don’t trust men (and yes, this can go both ways) and at every turn, we cut them down. We emasculate them to make sure they don’t ever hurt us. I see a lot of men who are also traumatized by these types of women. It’s a vicious cycle of pain and open wounds.
The program I was inspired to create is about healing these wounds. It’s about teaching the tools and techniques I have learned on my own healing journey, to other women in similar situations as I was. I spent years learning, healing and growing until I came to this point of wanting to give back. I call my program Heart Activation. Along with learning their self worth, I help women to find true unconditional love for themselves. I help them to find, bandage and tend their wounds and eventually learn to open their hearts again to love. Some for the first time. As I am still on my own journey, I tweak and add to this program anything I see fitting to help others. I have a general outline, but it is completely customizable to each individual. I have been able to help young women learn what abuse looks like (mainly verbal) and what the red flags are. I have helped them to get out of bad relationships and into loving ones. I have helped more mature women (like myself) who have been through awful life long abusive relationships, and are just trying to keep their heads above water, to find inner peace and joy.
I am so blessed and honored to have been given the opportunity to be a part of this book. I hope that my story will inspire you to find love for yourself. Through my journey I have been able to come full circle and find the true unconditional love of a man, my king. The one I never thought I would find. The one that was right under my nose for twenty years. The one who treasures and adores me like I deserve. The one who treats me like the Queen I am.
*These statements are more general and not meant as historical facts.
Author- Tami Jean
When was the last time you allowed a man to treat you how you deserve?
When was the last time you showed love to yourself?
When was the last time you said “No” because you wanted to?
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